Helsiki: Digital Fireguard

Nuclear Armageddon Imminent.

2006-04-10T12:53:00.000Z

US President George W. Bush has stated that he is leaving nuclear strikes against Iran 'on the table' as the row over the alleged Iranian nuclear weapons programme intensified today.

Bush believes that his statements are justified based on the evidence of 'Screwball', a homeless derelict from the streets of Tehran who pointed out nuclear missile silos to CIA agents in the region in exchange for a US visa, $1,000,000 and a crate of Kestrel Super.

'Screwball was immensely helpful' stated one CIA insider. 'In fact he just couldn't stop pointing out nuclear arms dumps. We drove him through the streets of Tehran asking him to point out any sites he was aware of. By the end of the afternoon he'd shown us half a dozen schools, nine hospitals and a number of residential dwellings. In a number of cases I would ask him whether a certain building was being used as part of the Iranian nuclear programme and he would reply "Yeah, sure. Why not?" Screwball was incredibly useful in helping us understand the scale of the problem.'

The job of presenting Screwball's evidence to the UN security council will fall to Condoleeza Rice, who apparently relishes the challenge.

'Basically the plan is to have lots of cool graphics and to look really, really sincere when I talk' Ms. Rice told us recently. 'If that doesn't look like it's working then I might dab my eyes with a hanky occasionally.'

But failure at the UN is unlikely to stop Bush, who has already shown a willingness to indulge in unilateral military action.

'President Bush is really, really looking forward to nuclear armageddon' says our CIA source. 'You should see his little face. Do you want to go to him and tell him that the intelligence is a sham and he can't have his war? No? Neither do I. It'd be like kicking a puppy.'

Average US citizens are also excited by the prospect of hot nuclear death raining from the Middle Eastern sky, with many having set up construction companies with a view to scoring lucrative contracts in the region.

'It's great!' said Jebediah Backwards, a Tenessee elk farmer who has set up a construction company comprising himself, his retarded brother Jeff and a rusty 1968 Chevrolet pickup truck. 'I done give Mr. Cheney some money and he told me and Jeff we could have a contract to rebuild Birjand. I don't rightly know where it is or even anything about building, but by golly, I'm gonna have fun with that there 85 million dollars!'

But should the worst happen and reports of Iran's nuclear capabilities aren't in fact based on pure fabrication, what then for the American public? 'Well,' says Bush, 'If the towelheads decide to retaliate then the American public have nothing to worry about - their President and his friends will be safe in a bunker somewhere riding it out. As for them, maybe they can wrap themselves in foil or stand in a doorway or something.'

Animals 'Now Pose Bigger Threat Than Children' - Report.

2006-04-07T09:58:00.000Z

Top British scientists have revealed a startling fact in a new report out today - animals like swans, cows and ocelots now pose more of a risk to Britons than traditional enemies like our own children.

The report's author, Dr. Emmet Browntrout, spoke to HDF exclusively about his findings, and reveals how we might all be dead by next week because of some birds.

'Historically,' says Browntrout, 'you're more likely to be killed by your kids than anyne else. Children these days are depraved, knife wielding monsters with voracious appetites for drug, sex and the crime.

'But in recent years it appears that whilst cases of children shooting their mother's face off to get money for Ecstasy, or putting their grandfather in a concrete overcoat because he looked at them funny have remained at consistant levels, cases of people being killed by diseased animals have been rocketing.'

Browntrout then outlined the 'significant' threat that he feels is represented by the new strain of Avian Flu.

'Avian flu is, in my view, a pandemic that will wipe us out in our millions, just as Mad Cow Disease and Foot & Mouth did before it. The only solution is to kill every bird in Britain. Believe me, if you want to do your duty for your country you'll spend this weekend smashing sparrows with hammers or shooting a cannon at a kestrel. It's the only way to be sure.'

But Browntrout's recommenedations go further still. 'What we really need to do is to round up all the animals in the country into resettlement camps where their behaviour can be monitored. It may sound harsh but in the years I've been working on this report, I've seen sheep with narcolepsy and otters with a cough. And these diseases are only one mutation away from wiping out humanity.

'Let's get this situation under control so we can get back to being scared of our kids or Arabs or the fucking weather or whatever instead.'

Budget 2006: How Does It Affect You?

2006-03-25T11:08:00.000Z

Gordon Brown has delivered his 10th budget as Chancellor - but how was it for you? HDF's political correspondant Jimminy Muffdive looked at a range of households from across the country, to assess how this year's budget would affect them.

Low Income Family - The Slaggs.

Alan Slagg, his wife Keith and their children Chardonnay and Bacardi reside in East London and live on £70 a week from Alan's job fencing car stereos down the pub, and a further £230 he claims illegally from the social. A new tax on TWOCed stereos will hit their income hard says Alan, but Keith is happier. The price of her Temazzies has been frozen for the third year running!

As for the Slagg children, Brown has announced government subsidies for low income families on items such as massive Lizzie Duke hoop earrings, fake trackies off the market and those trainers with the springy bits on the bottom. All this will mean big savings for the family, but 7 year-old Bacardi will suffer price rises on her cigarettes and alcopops. Tax on her crack is reduced to 2002 levels however.

Is Alan happy with the changes? 'I won't have to put the wife on the game just yet' he laughs!

Single Man - Jed Mildew.

38 year-old Jed Mildew lives alone in a Harrogate bedsit. He is unemployed and a virgin. He's 'delighted' to see that the government has announced tax breaks on hardcore Japanese animated porn videos, but less happy to find that Smiths albums are to rise by 6p.

The main difference to Mr Mildew's lifestyle will come as part of a new government initiative which promises incentives for anyone spending more than 8 hours a day in acts of flagrant self abuse followed sharply by feelings of self-loathing, guilt and the urge to 'end it all'.

What will Jed spend the extra money on? 'More Star Wars figures. And maybe a new mac to go skulking round the park at night in. Watch out kids!' he grins.

Comedy Scottish Family - The McJobbies.

It may be good news this side of Hadrian's Wall, but in the land of the Scot things are different. We met haggis-factory worker Pa McJobbie, his wife Ma and their young son Rab in their Glasgow council house where they laid out their grievences.

Traditional Scottish products such as kilts, haggis and fifes are all under threat as Brown seeks to close a legal loophole which saw manufacturers enjoying lucrative tax breaks for many years. 'Aye, it's costing muckle bawbies doon at the factory' Pa told us glumly. 'They've telt us redundancies'll be forthcoming. Hoots mon!'

Things look grim for young Rab too, as tax on heroin and deep-fried Mars bars is going up, although he can now enjoy subsidised Supergran DVDs and Oor Wullie comics. 'Jings! That's awfay generous!' he says.

The New Bands Report.

2006-03-14T15:31:00.000Z

Britain is awash with quality new bands as never before. From South London to North London, the whole country is literally drowning in talent like an old man with fluid on his lungs. And never ones to be left behind in the musical stakes, HDF have appointed a new musical editor, Wenceslas Cockbiter, to cover this musical revolution.

So here is Wenceslas' guide to the five most exciting new beat combos on the popular music 'scene' this year!

5. The Roustabouts

Leeds live favourites The Roustabouts have strong local support and a freshly inked record deal with Guff Records. They formed around six months ago when lead singer Alan Whippet was released from prison following a conviction for aggrevated rape and started writing songs about his favourite pastimes of eating kebabs and reading Nuts magazine.

Their debut single 'Show Us Your Tits Love' is released next week.

4. capitallettersandspacesareforfascists

These fellows hail from hotbed of musical activity Kingston-Upon-Thames, where they quickly attracted a rabid local following sometimes numbering in double figures.

Their debut album, 'We Hate Hitler And That', is due out next month on Strangled Cat Records, and has already drawn comment from the music press for it's bold approach to musical arrangement - consisting as it does of the sound of a fridge being opened and closed for six hours whilst someone hits a fax machine with a spanner in the background. The band are said to be extremely happy with the album's sound, claiming that it 'cuts through all that 'tunes' bullshit' and that it 'captures exactly the feeling of what it's like to be oppressed by a CIA sponsored fascist regime.'

3. Spastics Ahoy!

Hoxton's Spastics Ahoy! are an unusual band - their bass player is none other than lead singer Artemis Cunnylips' great grandfather!

'We thought it'd be a great fucking gimmick,' explains Cunnylips. 'He's had Altzheimers for the last six years and he hasn't got a fucking clue what's going on.'

The band have caused waves with their first single, an instrumental cover of Tina Charles' 'I Love To Love' featuring members of the band listlessly slapping their flaccid cocks against a tabla. It will feature on their self-titled debut album due in the autumn, which will be limited to six copies each of which will be smeared with the faeces of a band member.

2. The Jim Jams

Listening to the Jim Jams' debut album 'We Love Fluffy Bunnies', it's hard to believe that the band (twin sisters Alma and Doris Twee) were just 4 months old when it was recorded!

The pair were noted as musical prodigys when their father heard them banging arhymthically at a knackered Bontempi. Just two weeks later the precocious pair were touring the world on the strength of that remarkable debut, but disaster struck when Doris was revealed to have a longstanding crack habit. Now though, aged almost 1, she's off the gear and along with her sister is preparing to unleash sophmore album 'Ponies Are Super' through Laughing Gerbil records.

1. The Filthy Cunts

North London's The Filthy Cunts have only been around for a year, but already are poised for the big time. Lead singer Filthy McDirty, AKA Tarquin Fossington-Smythe, explains how the band came together:

'I'd seen some bands bashing out this shit fucking music and pretending to be on drugs, and they all seemed to be making loads of money. So I thought, we'll have some of that. So we did. All we did was strut around for a week looking like pricks and record labels were falling over themselves to fucking sign us. And the people at the gigs don't know good music from a fucking hole in the ground. Knock out some bollocks with two fucking chords and swig a bit of JD occasionally and they're happy as pigs in shit.

'Basically our fans are stupid twats. We're completely taking the piss'.

And on that note, all that remains is to wish the best of luck to all the bands that made our list! See you again in 2007!

Arctic Monkeys In Oscar Triumph.

2006-03-09T12:16:00.000Z

Sheffield superstars the Arctic Monkeys have continued their rise to world domination - by cleaning up at this years Academy Award ceremony!

The band went home carrying awards for best supporting actress, editing, best adapted screenplay, best feature documentory, best animated short, makeup, cinematography, best picture and an honorary award for services to the film industry.

The band themselves, who were all on the fucking dole this time last year, were said to be 'delighted' with the haul. Frontman Ricky Wilson told us 'It's really nice to be recognised like this, but we're not letting it go to our heads. We're all about keeping it real, you know?' The interview then came to an abrupt end as Ricky's crown was slipping over his eyes and he kept tripping over his mink coat.

The incredible rise of the Arctic Monkeys has been one of the most exciting stories in British music history, as in the space of six months they've been propelled from Pot-Noodle munching doleite scum to the greatest band in the history of the universe, via instant classics such as 'I Like Kebabs', 'Shagging Birds Is Reet Good' and the immortal 'Our Lass Din't 'Ave Me Dinner On't Table When I Come 'Ome, So I Give 'Er A Slap, Innit?'.

The band are now hotly tipped to win the Nobel Prize For Physics in Oslo this December.

Sutcliffe Enters Big Brother House.

2006-01-06T18:07:00.000Z

Channel 4 have caused a stir after announcing that this year's Celebrity Big Brother contestants include notorious murderer Peter Sutcliffe.

Sutcliffe, nicknamed 'The Yorkshire Ripper' after killing 14 women in the 1970s, was said to be 'thrilled' by the chance to appear on the top-rated programme. And TV bosses are hoping that he'll spice up the action in the house - with some XXX rated murder!

Channel 4 spokesperson Sexton Cunt denies that the programme will encourage serial killing amongst the shows young and stupid target demographic. 'In no way does Channel 4 condone the practice of beating defenceless women to death with a claw hammer. But this is a show about real life, and in real life these things happen. You can't shirk away from it. If you did you'd be letting down the public in a shameful manner.'

Alan Smegma, Sutcliffe's case worker for the last 10 years, is upbeat about the news. 'I think this is a wonderful chance for Peter to show the world that he's changed his ways. I'll be crossing my fingers when he meets Davina before entering the house, but if he gets through that then I think we'll be fairly okay.'

'Personally, I think he'll enjoy the experience. It'll get him out of Broadmoor and give him a change of scenery. And if we can keep the murdering down to a minimum, say just 3 or 4, then I think we can consider it a job well done.'

Sutcliffe is said to be particularly looking forward to meeting Jodie Marsh. 'I think they'll get on well' says Smegma. 'I gave him a photo the other day and he's really taken to it. I've already caught him masturbating frantically over it and stabbing the eyes out with a stanley knife.'

Blair Picks Festive Top 5.

2005-12-20T13:29:00.000Z

Prime Minister Tony Blair might have one of the toughest jobs in the country - but that doesn't mean he can't enjoy sitting down with a glass of port (only one mind - we don't want him ending up like that awful Charles Kennedy!) and watching a film or two at Christmas like the rest of us.

And today we're priveliged to be able to reveal Tony's top five Christmas movies! He took time out of his busy schedule to talk to us yesterday...

5. 'It's A Wonderful Life'.

'I love this film and it's uplifting Christian message' says Tony. 'I like to think we all have our own angels looking out for us. Saying things like 'Oh Tony, if it weren't for you the people of Iraq would still be living under Saddam's jackboot. If it weren't for you, foxes would still be being slaughtered. You're right, Tony. You're always right'.

4. 'Home Alone'.

'People are always telling me crime is out of control. 'We're being murdered in our beds, Tony' they say. They tell me there's no clear line coming from the government about what amount of force is considered reasonable when facing a burgler. Well, let me tell you - Tony Martin would never have gone to prison if he'd burned that boys hair off with a blowtorch attatched to a door, or made him slip over on some Micro Machines. In that way, I think this film serves as a lesson for us all.'

3. 'Scrooge'.

'It's a film about a tight bastard acting like a cunt to his neighbours, who all hate him and wish he was dead. I think there's a message there for some of us, eh Gordon? Anyway, good film. I forget how it ends.'

2. 'Miracle On 34th Street'.

'A wonderful film about Tony Kringle, who everyone said was lying. Then someone, probably in the 'loony left' tries to take him to court, to prove that he can't possibly be telling the truth! Everyone thinks Tony is lying, but he remains safe in the knowledge he's right as usual, and it's his accusers who are all drunks or in cahoots with Saddam Hussein. Anyway, good film. It's got Santa in it.'

1. 'Die Hard'

'This film, as well as being set at Christmas, is about killing terrorists which is something close to my heart. I also think it presents the police force in a very good light, which is always a good thing. Because I've always felt that you should support the police on issues like terrorism, about which they know more than any of us. Although not on 24-hour drinking, where their view is clearly misguided. Er... anyway. An excellent film, and I'm often reminded of myself when I watch it, because Britain is like a big skyscraper beset by terrorism and I'm like John McClane, keeping it safe by fearlessly sending innocent young men off to die in a desert.'

Indiana Jones 4: First Details Revealed.

2005-12-16T16:41:00.000Z

George Lucas has hit back at criticism over the shittyness of his Star Wars prequel trilogy by releasing details of his upcoming fourth installment in the Indiana Jones saga.

Speaking from his home at Skywalker Ranch, Lucas revealed the new film's title to be 'Indiana Jones and the Small Coins And Bits Of Pottery And Stuff'.

'Basically Indy joins an archaelogical expedition to Surrey, where he encounters danger and intrigue whilst excavating a Roman fort' says Lucas.

'You'll see the most exciting action of the series to date, including Indy marking out the fort's foundations with some string, slowly picking at them with a small trowel, and dating some small broken pieces of pottery.'

Rumours suggest that the septugenerian adventurer will also find romance - with a 56 year old tea lady called Vera, played by Last Of The Summer Wine favourite Kathy Staff!

'I can't really comment on that,' smiles Lucas, 'but lets just say Indy still has quite a way with the ladies, despite being of a pensionable age! But really this film is about action all the way. The scene where Indy theorises that the outline of one large room was probably a grain store will have audiences on the edge of their seats!'

The rest of the plot will concern the discovery of a large number of Roman coins, and it's action all the way as Indy carefully scrapes the mud off them and explains patiently to Tony Robinson how they can be dated by the picture of the Emporer on them. Asked about the lack of homicidal cults or Nazis, Lucas explains that 'I think people are tired of stuff like that. They're more intersted in the technical aspects of cinema today to be honest, and this film will excel in that department. The whole thing will be filmed against a blue screen and the Surrey countryside will be rendered in lush CGI!.'

Asked how he sleeps at night, Lucas replied 'Like a fucking log. On a bed made out of money.'

Baby 'Eaten By Whores'.

2005-12-15T17:28:00.000Z

A young mother has spoken of her anguish after her baby was allegedly carried off and eaten by a group of wild whores near Ayers Rock in Australia.

Irene Stupid, 23, sobbed as she told reporters 'I don't know what happened. I turned me back for a minute and when I turned back he was gone. All I could see were a group of middle-aged women caked in slap and dressed without any taste or decency, running quickly in the opposite direction. I knew straight away they were whores.'

Local farm hand Alwyn Twatt says that whore attacks have been a major problem in the area for years. 'I lost three sons and a cousin to them whores.' he told us. 'They travel in packs, mainly at night, and use their sense of smell to guide them to prey.

'I've seen whole villages destroyed in the wake of a whore attack. They go in by night, in the morning you find the place deserted and no trace of the occupants or their attackers except a soiled pair of knickers and some used johnies. It's fucking terrible.'

Local MP Selston Wank has faced calls to resign after suggestions that he was unable to control the 'rampant' whore problem. 'It's a difficult issue,' he admits. 'There are those in the big city who think whores are cute little buggers, with their saggy tits and brown teeth. They say it would be cruel to cull them. Well they can fuckin' rack off, mate. I'd like to see those cunts come out here and see what a pack of whores'll do to a chicken coop, or a creche. Fucking blood everywhere mate, that's no joke.

'Now we've got them abducting and eating babies right under the mothers noses. Something has to be done about this right now. The bastards are getting used to humans, losing their instinctive fear of man. What are the consequences for the surrounding area if we don't round them up and shoot them all immediately? I've literally just shit my pants thinking about it. Flamin' galahs.'

For Irene though, the nightmare will never be over. 'I still can't sleep even now' she says. 'I wake up, drenched in sweat haunted by the cries of my baby as he was carted off by cackling streetwalkers. Usually my husband Paul wakes up too and we have mindblowing sex, often involving power tools.'

Bush In Abortion Scandal.

2005-12-13T14:36:00.000Z

U.S. President George W. Bush was last night at the centre of another row over abortion after it emerged that he had himself undergone such a procedure in 1995.

Bush, left, underwent the operation after 'horseplay' with friend Karl Rove went tragically wrong.

'I was pretty drunk, as I often was at that time' the President has been quoted as saying. 'We'd just seen the film 'Junior', with Arnold Schwarzenegger and decided to have some fun'.

But the 'fun' turned deadly serious when Bush missed his next 3 periods. 'I didn't think anything of it at first,' he explained. 'I'm a man so I don't have periods anyway. It wasn't until I started getting sick in the morning that I realised what must have happened. I didn't know what to do.'

Like so many young people in his position, Bush didn't feel that he could tell his parents about what had happened. 'I just felt so alone. I knew I couldn't keep it, since my lack of a womb meant I had nowhere to gestate the foetus. So I went to my doctor and he gave me the number of the abortion clinic. As soon as it was done I realised I'd made a terrible mistake, because as a male I couldn't possibly have been pregnant anyway. The guilt was extraordinary.'

'It was then I realised that imitating the plots of lacklustre Arnie comedies was no laughing matter. It was a crazy time, we were all finding we had long lost, comically mismatched twin brothers. Some of my friends were getting into scrapes trying to find a Turbo Man doll for their kid for Christmas. Some even joined the Police force and got stationed in a kindergarten. But that night we went too far.'

Asked if he felt that his experiences were at odds with his tough anti-abortion stance, Bush said he did not. 'I've always said there are 3 circumstances under which abortion should be legal. Where the life of the mother is threatened, cases of rape or incest and made up male pregnancies.'

US: 'Terror Suspects Flown To Disneyland'.

2005-12-13T12:39:00.000Z

It was over a week ago that allegations were first published regarding detainees captured during the US 'War On Terror' being flown to Europe to undergo torture. Now US Foreign Secretary Condoleeza Rice has finally stepped into the debate and issued a clarification of the purpose of the flights.

Speaking this morning, Ms. Rice ridiculed the notion that suspects were destined for East-European CIA-sponsored gulags where they faced torture. 'That's complete and utter nonsense. We were actually flying these people to Disneyland Paris, as part of our new ethical foreign policy.'

Ms. Rice went on to explain that similar theme parks in the US could not be used for the days out as they were 'closed' for 'painting'.

Defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld has also spoken on the issue, saying he was 'saddened' by the accusations. 'The US has a great record on human rights. I'm disappointed that the anti-America brigade has jumped to the wrong conclusion again and condemned us without hearing our side of the story. It's actually been a policy of ours to take these men to Disneyland Paris for some time. They love Pirates Of The Carribean and Space Mountain, and getting their photographs taken with Mickey and Donald. These are memories they'll carry with them for the rest of their lives, which won't be long if we get the Supreme Court behind us.'

Rumsfeld then outlined a number of other instances of the new ethical US foreign policy:

- Hook-handed cleric Abu Hamza taken to Chessington World Of Adventures.
- A trip to Gulliver's Kingdom for former Iraq dictator Saddam Hussein.
- Prisoners in Baghdad's notorious Abu Gharib prison taken on a day trip to Skegness, including a visit to Natureland wildlife sanctuary, a donkey ride and a 99.

We were then given access to one of the alleged torture victims, Mohammad Al-Azabad. Sadly, Mr. Al-Azabad was not able to speak to us for long as the day before he had walked into a door and was suffering from severe facial lacerations, a collapsed lung, third degree burns to his hands, feet and genitals, a ruptured spleen, a jaw broken in six places and concussion. He was however able to tell us that he 'liked the Mickey thankyou'.

'Curse Of Superman 3' Strikes Again.

2005-12-12T14:10:00.000Z

Just months after the death of Christopher Reeve, his Superman 3 co-star Richard Pryor has died aged 65.

Pryor, star of a number of films mostly shown on Channel 5 on a wet Sunday afternoon, had been ill for some time.

The death of Pryor so soon after that of Reeve has led some to speculate that God is punishing those responsible for Superman 3, which a number of theologans have speculated may be God's least favourite of the Superman series.

'One might feel that, with it's dreadful effects and campy villain, Superman 4: The Quest For Peace was the worst of the lot' said Professor Chris Bender yesterday. 'But clearly God has a different view. I believe he felt the action scenes were badly handled and Richard Pryor's presence undermined the serious nature of the film'.

We then asked Professor Bender to speculate on what might be in store for the rest of the cast if they have indeed incurred God's wrath. His predictions were...

Jackie Cooper (Perry White) - Face kicked off by tramp.
Margot Kidder (Lois Lane) - Ovaries eaten by a bear.
Mark McLure (Jimmy Olsen) - Legs snapped off.
Robert Vaughn (Ross Webster) - Hustle.