The New Bands Report.

Britain is awash with quality new bands as never before. From South London to North London, the whole country is literally drowning in talent like an old man with fluid on his lungs. And never ones to be left behind in the musical stakes, HDF have appointed a new musical editor, Wenceslas Cockbiter, to cover this musical revolution.

So here is Wenceslas' guide to the five most exciting new beat combos on the popular music 'scene' this year!

5. The Roustabouts

Leeds live favourites The Roustabouts have strong local support and a freshly inked record deal with Guff Records. They formed around six months ago when lead singer Alan Whippet was released from prison following a conviction for aggrevated rape and started writing songs about his favourite pastimes of eating kebabs and reading Nuts magazine.

Their debut single 'Show Us Your Tits Love' is released next week.

4. capitallettersandspacesareforfascists

These fellows hail from hotbed of musical activity Kingston-Upon-Thames, where they quickly attracted a rabid local following sometimes numbering in double figures.

Their debut album, 'We Hate Hitler And That', is due out next month on Strangled Cat Records, and has already drawn comment from the music press for it's bold approach to musical arrangement - consisting as it does of the sound of a fridge being opened and closed for six hours whilst someone hits a fax machine with a spanner in the background. The band are said to be extremely happy with the album's sound, claiming that it 'cuts through all that 'tunes' bullshit' and that it 'captures exactly the feeling of what it's like to be oppressed by a CIA sponsored fascist regime.'

3. Spastics Ahoy!

Hoxton's Spastics Ahoy! are an unusual band - their bass player is none other than lead singer Artemis Cunnylips' great grandfather!

'We thought it'd be a great fucking gimmick,' explains Cunnylips. 'He's had Altzheimers for the last six years and he hasn't got a fucking clue what's going on.'

The band have caused waves with their first single, an instrumental cover of Tina Charles' 'I Love To Love' featuring members of the band listlessly slapping their flaccid cocks against a tabla. It will feature on their self-titled debut album due in the autumn, which will be limited to six copies each of which will be smeared with the faeces of a band member.

2. The Jim Jams

Listening to the Jim Jams' debut album 'We Love Fluffy Bunnies', it's hard to believe that the band (twin sisters Alma and Doris Twee) were just 4 months old when it was recorded!

The pair were noted as musical prodigys when their father heard them banging arhymthically at a knackered Bontempi. Just two weeks later the precocious pair were touring the world on the strength of that remarkable debut, but disaster struck when Doris was revealed to have a longstanding crack habit. Now though, aged almost 1, she's off the gear and along with her sister is preparing to unleash sophmore album 'Ponies Are Super' through Laughing Gerbil records.

1. The Filthy Cunts

North London's The Filthy Cunts have only been around for a year, but already are poised for the big time. Lead singer Filthy McDirty, AKA Tarquin Fossington-Smythe, explains how the band came together:

'I'd seen some bands bashing out this shit fucking music and pretending to be on drugs, and they all seemed to be making loads of money. So I thought, we'll have some of that. So we did. All we did was strut around for a week looking like pricks and record labels were falling over themselves to fucking sign us. And the people at the gigs don't know good music from a fucking hole in the ground. Knock out some bollocks with two fucking chords and swig a bit of JD occasionally and they're happy as pigs in shit.

'Basically our fans are stupid twats. We're completely taking the piss'.

And on that note, all that remains is to wish the best of luck to all the bands that made our list! See you again in 2007!