US: 'Terror Suspects Flown To Disneyland'.

It was over a week ago that allegations were first published regarding detainees captured during the US 'War On Terror' being flown to Europe to undergo torture. Now US Foreign Secretary Condoleeza Rice has finally stepped into the debate and issued a clarification of the purpose of the flights.

Speaking this morning, Ms. Rice ridiculed the notion that suspects were destined for East-European CIA-sponsored gulags where they faced torture. 'That's complete and utter nonsense. We were actually flying these people to Disneyland Paris, as part of our new ethical foreign policy.'

Ms. Rice went on to explain that similar theme parks in the US could not be used for the days out as they were 'closed' for 'painting'.

Defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld has also spoken on the issue, saying he was 'saddened' by the accusations. 'The US has a great record on human rights. I'm disappointed that the anti-America brigade has jumped to the wrong conclusion again and condemned us without hearing our side of the story. It's actually been a policy of ours to take these men to Disneyland Paris for some time. They love Pirates Of The Carribean and Space Mountain, and getting their photographs taken with Mickey and Donald. These are memories they'll carry with them for the rest of their lives, which won't be long if we get the Supreme Court behind us.'

Rumsfeld then outlined a number of other instances of the new ethical US foreign policy:

- Hook-handed cleric Abu Hamza taken to Chessington World Of Adventures.
- A trip to Gulliver's Kingdom for former Iraq dictator Saddam Hussein.
- Prisoners in Baghdad's notorious Abu Gharib prison taken on a day trip to Skegness, including a visit to Natureland wildlife sanctuary, a donkey ride and a 99.

We were then given access to one of the alleged torture victims, Mohammad Al-Azabad. Sadly, Mr. Al-Azabad was not able to speak to us for long as the day before he had walked into a door and was suffering from severe facial lacerations, a collapsed lung, third degree burns to his hands, feet and genitals, a ruptured spleen, a jaw broken in six places and concussion. He was however able to tell us that he 'liked the Mickey thankyou'.