Baby 'Eaten By Whores'.

A young mother has spoken of her anguish after her baby was allegedly carried off and eaten by a group of wild whores near Ayers Rock in Australia.

Irene Stupid, 23, sobbed as she told reporters 'I don't know what happened. I turned me back for a minute and when I turned back he was gone. All I could see were a group of middle-aged women caked in slap and dressed without any taste or decency, running quickly in the opposite direction. I knew straight away they were whores.'

Local farm hand Alwyn Twatt says that whore attacks have been a major problem in the area for years. 'I lost three sons and a cousin to them whores.' he told us. 'They travel in packs, mainly at night, and use their sense of smell to guide them to prey.

'I've seen whole villages destroyed in the wake of a whore attack. They go in by night, in the morning you find the place deserted and no trace of the occupants or their attackers except a soiled pair of knickers and some used johnies. It's fucking terrible.'

Local MP Selston Wank has faced calls to resign after suggestions that he was unable to control the 'rampant' whore problem. 'It's a difficult issue,' he admits. 'There are those in the big city who think whores are cute little buggers, with their saggy tits and brown teeth. They say it would be cruel to cull them. Well they can fuckin' rack off, mate. I'd like to see those cunts come out here and see what a pack of whores'll do to a chicken coop, or a creche. Fucking blood everywhere mate, that's no joke.

'Now we've got them abducting and eating babies right under the mothers noses. Something has to be done about this right now. The bastards are getting used to humans, losing their instinctive fear of man. What are the consequences for the surrounding area if we don't round them up and shoot them all immediately? I've literally just shit my pants thinking about it. Flamin' galahs.'

For Irene though, the nightmare will never be over. 'I still can't sleep even now' she says. 'I wake up, drenched in sweat haunted by the cries of my baby as he was carted off by cackling streetwalkers. Usually my husband Paul wakes up too and we have mindblowing sex, often involving power tools.'