Nuclear Armageddon Imminent.
US President George W. Bush has stated that he is leaving nuclear strikes against Iran 'on the table' as the row over the alleged Iranian nuclear weapons programme intensified today.
Bush believes that his statements are justified based on the evidence of 'Screwball', a homeless derelict from the streets of Tehran who pointed out nuclear missile silos to CIA agents in the region in exchange for a US visa, $1,000,000 and a crate of Kestrel Super.
'Screwball was immensely helpful' stated one CIA insider. 'In fact he just couldn't stop pointing out nuclear arms dumps. We drove him through the streets of Tehran asking him to point out any sites he was aware of. By the end of the afternoon he'd shown us half a dozen schools, nine hospitals and a number of residential dwellings. In a number of cases I would ask him whether a certain building was being used as part of the Iranian nuclear programme and he would reply "Yeah, sure. Why not?" Screwball was incredibly useful in helping us understand the scale of the problem.'
The job of presenting Screwball's evidence to the UN security council will fall to Condoleeza Rice, who apparently relishes the challenge.
'Basically the plan is to have lots of cool graphics and to look really, really sincere when I talk' Ms. Rice told us recently. 'If that doesn't look like it's working then I might dab my eyes with a hanky occasionally.'
But failure at the UN is unlikely to stop Bush, who has already shown a willingness to indulge in unilateral military action.
'President Bush is really, really looking forward to nuclear armageddon' says our CIA source. 'You should see his little face. Do you want to go to him and tell him that the intelligence is a sham and he can't have his war? No? Neither do I. It'd be like kicking a puppy.'
Average US citizens are also excited by the prospect of hot nuclear death raining from the Middle Eastern sky, with many having set up construction companies with a view to scoring lucrative contracts in the region.
'It's great!' said Jebediah Backwards, a Tenessee elk farmer who has set up a construction company comprising himself, his retarded brother Jeff and a rusty 1968 Chevrolet pickup truck. 'I done give Mr. Cheney some money and he told me and Jeff we could have a contract to rebuild Birjand. I don't rightly know where it is or even anything about building, but by golly, I'm gonna have fun with that there 85 million dollars!'
But should the worst happen and reports of Iran's nuclear capabilities aren't in fact based on pure fabrication, what then for the American public? 'Well,' says Bush, 'If the towelheads decide to retaliate then the American public have nothing to worry about - their President and his friends will be safe in a bunker somewhere riding it out. As for them, maybe they can wrap themselves in foil or stand in a doorway or something.'